Life....

My brother Scott looked up to me as we were growing up. I had managed to avoid most of the dumb childish things that identify a person as being immature where he may not have. I did well enough in school to avoid most trouble, he did not. I had a job and made money most of my high school life and he did not. When I turned 18 I left home never to return except to visit. Initially he did not do all that well on his own. I remember he ran away from home and actually came across the country to actually see me. I was working in a small computer store where he showed up one day, all dusty and dirty from the long trip (Arizona to Rhode Island). I remember that I could not take him in and while I provided him the help I could, I had no place for him where I was staying. Again he wandered off out of my life and out of my mind as I was focused on making something of my life.

Some time later he and I came together again as he was settling down and getting married. He asked me to be the best man at his wedding. I remember thinking about that question, “Why me. He and I didn’t even really talk all that much, doesn’t he have a good friend.”, thoughts that I am truly regretful of today. I went to Arizona to be his best man. I had a great time, seeing him and the rest of the family that I had left there when I came back to RI to make my life. I remember leaving Arizona to come back here to my life thinking Scott is all set in his life, and focusing again on my own.

The years passed and we spoke little, bits of contact here and there at major events we held in common. I remember that he moved around the country an awful lot as he followed his wife from place to place, all the while, he held odd jobs in each place. It became difficult to keep track of where he was in the world. I relied on others to tell me. Occasionally we connected for some bit of conversation on the phone. When I met my future wife and got engaged. I didn’t know where he was to I asked my father to tell him for me. We invited him to my wedding. I did not expect he would make the trip. His life had not really gone to well and he was not especially able to just up and leave it for a trip to see his now distant brother get hitched (finally). He did send us a wall ornament that I have hanging in our hallway.

I remember passing by that ornament in our hall and thinking “I’ve got to give him a call”, alas I had lost contact with him again. I learned that he had moved again to Tucson. I remember thinking hey maybe we can get together again when I go to Arizona to see the family, but I never did. My wife and I are planning to travel out west this coming Christmas holiday. We are planning to take my In-Laws with us. We were planning to all get together again and I found myself looking very much forward to that time.

I learned today that my brother Scott ended his life amid what were dire circumstances. He had been going through a separation; his health was not at all good. He was in pain physically and emotionally and in his eyes I am sure he saw no relief on the horizon. My brother Scott looked up to me. As I sit here drowning in retrospect, I cannot fathom why. In the light of hindsight, I can see that where it matters most, I have failed. If someday I manage to be half of what he thought then I will have accomplished something.