Not Good Enough

It's been a a long time singe I even had the time to post anything here. For the few folks who might have frequented this little dusty corner of the interweb my apologies, Fact is that nobody comes here but me and that to has been a very infrequent journey. Truth be told I have fallen into a rut that thas seen my professional life consume all else that is around me, like the nothingness in the never ending story.

I used to think that I was defined by what I did for a living. I used to love what I did for a living and thought I had the perfect arrangement. So many people I know view their working lives as a necessary evil, a means towards the ends of having a home and relative comfort in those hours outside of work. I used to think that these folks had it bad because I loved my work and truly looked forward to each day as a challenge that I relished the idea of confronting and conquering.

A funny thing has happened along the way over the past few years. I have found that the days have grown longer as the hours spent on the job have stretched into lengths that have surpassed the hours off the job. I find myself sitting at home in front of my computer working on task related items for work. Sitting at our campsite in front of my computer working on task related items for work, sitting in hotels working on task related items for work, On the train, on the boat, on vacation, on weekends, on and on and on. I used to think that's OK because I see the successes and believe it was worth the effort, because after all I love what is that I do.

Recently though, I have found that no matter what it is that I am doing, there is not enough time to do it properly. The pressures of the tasks are growing to the point where there is not enough hours in the day to get them done. Each day extends into the next without sufficient intervening time to decompress. Like some sadistic game of whack a mole, a problem appears here and attention is drawn away from a focus, only to have another issue draw attention away from that problem to another just as resolution to the former was in view.

Attempts to relieve the pressure by being realistic about what is doable with others seemingly have fallen on deaf ears. With targets being stated getting compressed even more by outside forces beyond the control of anyone involved, not me , not my superiors or co-workers its just is what it is. As I sit here writing this I find myself seeking that place in the past where the path was lost in the jungle. The first step taken that started the path to where I am now. A place that has robbed me of the things that used to bring some form of joy into my life. The fact that I was good at what I did, loved what it is that I did, and felt that what it is that I did had an positive impact on others. Now this place I am in seems to be one of no matter what I do its not good enough. The people who are the recipients of what I am doing are finding it not good enough. The family around me finding what I am to do with and for them is not good enough. The rewards of the job are not good enough.

I sit here watching processing running on my computer, working to coerce some data into a shape that will be of more use to me in another job related task. I am struck by the metaphor that this presents me with. For surely that status of the present, and the conditions that create that present cannot continue unchanged. Yet the results emerging need to still resemble what was fed into the black box that is my life. The frustrating thing is that like all black boxes the Rube Goldberg clockworks inside are hidden from direct view. Its difficult to see a single flaw or concise set of flaws that are the cause of the problem. I am left with reasoning the problems cause via indirect means. That have till now proven to be 'Not good enough'......